Eleven Simple Ways to Rekindle the Flame After Baby Arrives

The hardest thing about becoming a first-time parent is that it's so sudden. There's no easing into it; no gradual transition with plenty of time to adjust emotionally, no leisurely breaks, weekends, or holidays. While it's true that I was a parent the whole nine months leading up to birth, the baby was quiet and tucked away safely. No interruptions. None. Like, getting a phone call was the most I had been interrupted up to that point.

The end of that phase is so very sudden, no matter how well-prepared you are. And the reason that no one can quite find the words to fully describe it is because there's nothing else on the planet that you can really compare it to. This experience is completely unique, and each story of a couple becoming a family is completely unique to the individuals involved. No one can go through it for you. This is your adventure.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost,
to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

Thankfully, there's this precious gift from God called 'shock', which acts as a buffer between you and your brand new reality. It slows down your perception of time, speeds up your ability to respond, and quickens all of your senses. You become Wonder Woman overnight. Truly. Hospitals should start issuing capes to new parents before sending them home with their baby.

Don't freak out, here are
 Ten Reasons Why Having a Baby is AWESOME

Also, there's this silly rumor going around that if you choose to raise kids, you can wave goodbye to your happy and fulfilling marriage. At least until the kids leave for college. But I read a while back that your relationship with your spouse won't wait until the kids turn 18. You have to continue to nurture it and help it grow. Today.

Hugging. Kissing. Talking.....today.

Like every pregnant newbie, I knew that our lives were about to change dramatically with the arrival of baby Jed, but I didn't know how, exactly. People had such vague things to say like, "Put your marriage first" (okay, how?), or cynical responses like, "Oh, just you wait! Kids are such a handful!" As much as this advice bugged me, My biggest concern was what would become of my marriage. My hubby and I were two peas in a pod, with a rich reserve of inside jokes, silly traditions, and wonderfully comforting routines. What would become of us? 

If you can relate, I think you'll find this comforting: Just as you two created a whole new world together when you met, you have the ability to create yet another world once your baby joins the party. 

I really wish I would've heard or read some actual [practial] examples of how this works with a baby, because I was freaking out that bad. So for all the people out there like me, who need that extra reassurance that it's all going to be okay, I've created a little list of the ways that me and the hubs have been able to show love to each other on a tight (and sometimes bleary eyed) schedule.

One example: A "date" now consists of going to the gym on a Saturday and leaving Jed with the nice girl at the built-in daycare center. We hop between the pool, the hot tub, sauna, and steam room for an hour or two, and leave relaxed and giggly. Yes! We did it! We did something non-infant together!

We're a little quirky, so our list is too. And of course it's going to morph as Jed grows up (and he's only 8 months old now). What I hope to prove to you is that  romance can exist during the first year after you bring home your bundle of joy. And there are lots of resources online for connecting after baby arrives.

And it's not impossible.

Side note: It's okay to grieve and mourn the loss of how things were before the baby arrived. In fact, It's a good idea. Acknowledge it, mourn it, and start over.

Okay, here we go!

1) The Sticky Note

"Dear Ryan,

When you get inside, please get comfy, cool clothes on and hop in bed for a while. I'll be happy to make you a sammich as soon as I can! :)

So much love,

Shosh"

The reason that this made Ryan feel loved, respected, and appreciated is that when he got home from a long day at work, he was met at the door with a note saying (in essence), hey, I know you're probably tired and stressed out. I notice you, and I'm not expecting you to be emotionally "on" as soon as you walk in the house. Take some time for yourself to unwind, regroup, and know that you are loved. I can't be there for you right away, but I still want to take care of you. In the mean time, just relax and get comfy.

Come to think of it, maybe I should have written that instead  ^o^

It's like one of those "Hey Girl" pictures, but in reverse :)




2) The Mini Road Trip

Babies don't sleep the way adults do. They just don't. (Here's why that's okay and you don't need to read tons of sleep training books). For a few short weeks I had to occasionally take Jed for a drive in the middle of the night just to get him back to sleep. Not a particularly fond memory, but that's life, eh?

Now, we drive him around on purpose. We go on Sunday drives out in the country when we know he's going to be ready for a nap. We also make sure to get ice cream at a drive-thru joint somewhere along the way. Rain or shine, good moods or bad, we've really come to love this time and look forward to it. It's quiet, we can focus on each other, talk through things in greater detail than we're able to during the week, and enjoy a total change of scenery. At home, Jed only naps for half-an-hour at a time. On the road, we've gotten between one to three hours of "us" time. Can't put a price tag on that.

3) Romancing the Stone

Even when all I can muster for dinner is a bowl of cereal, a candle goes a long way to soothe our frayed nerves, quiet the noise of the world outside, and infuse warmth and intimacy into a pair of ragged souls. 

"I'm not really a candle guy, but I feel special that you lit candles for dinner." Ryan told me the first time I tried it (about a week ago). That's all it took, and we've had candles at dinner every since.

4) A Touch of Class

This is something I was doing before Jed joined us, and it's one of few traditions that crossed over easily into parenthood. When I'm able to send lunch to work with Ryan, I try to remember to stick a little plastic sword somewhere in his food (leaving it visible, of course, so he doesn't swallow it). I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds risky. But he's a guy, and he loves it. Surprise! There's a weapon in my yogurt!

Bonus: I hope you never have to bust your man out of the clinker, but this is a skill that could come in handy if you do.



5) Speaking of Food...

Lately I've taken to making large batches of soups and stews and such, then freezing the leftovers. You're probably already doing this. It took me a while (okay, years) to catch on to the brilliance and simplicity of this method. Not only does it mean that I can take it easy (you know, easy for a mom) several nights of the week, it also means there will be plenty for Ryan to take to work the next morning (and more things to stick swords into!). Chili with lean ground turkey, split pea soup with ham...two of my favorites right now. I'm still trying to come up with some others for variety's sake.

6) Pajama Party!

Along the lines of #1, this is nice because it requires only that Ryan work on unwinding after a crazy day. And it doesn't really require anything fancy from me, which is nice. It's surprising how much easier it is to relax when you're in PJ's. My theory is that something clicks in your brain when you switch from "work clothes" to "play clothes". It's a psychological thing and it's wonderful.

Recently, Ryan came home from a stressful day at work and found that Jed and I were both wearing our PJ's. "This is a 'Pajamas Only' zone." I informed him, and told him that he'd find his PJ's layed out on the bed. I thought he would turn the lights on, see the PJ's I had folded into the shape of a heart (above) and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Instead, he didn't turn the lights on, but grabbed them and got changed in the dark. Oh well. It's a good idea in theory :)

7) Space Out with Your Face Out!

Occasionally I've got the energy to pay Ryan a lunchtime visit, so we get lunch together somewhere or have a picnic in a park (when it's nice out). On those days, Ryan usually reads a chapter or two out of a book we're reading together (which is awesome even when Jed is fussy and I have to walk around bouncing him while Ryan reads loudly to be heard over Jed's fussing).

On rainy days, we still go to the park; we just sit in the van to eat lunch, then maybe walk around a bit. Next time I see him, I'll present him with the gift of sudoku - a game he plays to relax and unwind. It's something he can keep at the office and do whenever he wants - a mini stress buster for the un-amazing days. And he won't be expecting it, which is even better :)



8) Again, Food

This is so easy, I can't even find the words. Pancake mix. Frozen berries. Bake it. Breakfast cake for a week.

I sort of "discovered" this on my own recently, so I don't have a recipe. And it comes out a little different each time since I don't measure anything. I add water, milk, and eggs to Krusteaz Pancake Mix, pour it into a buttered 9x13" glass dish, pour frozen berries over the top, and bake it at about 350 for oh, I don't know. Maybe 30 minutes? Maybe more? I check on it every 10-15 minutes just to see how it's doing, then take it out when it's golden brown around the edges and an inserted wooden toothpick comes out clean.

So even though I don't have breakfast with Ryan in the morning anymore (he watches Jed before work so I can get another slice of sleep), he has a homemade cakey, berry-jammed reminder of my love for him.

9) Speaking of Breakfast...

I love it when the coffee is prepped and ready to go, and all I have to do is press the button. So I gave this gift to Ryan for the mornings when he's up with Jed. It's a nice treat to wake up to, and while I'm not there in person to sip a mug with him during the week, the message of love filters through just fine. Also, we've switched to Truvia instead of sugar, and it's so great. I still use heavy whipping cream instead of half-n-half though. My friend Kendra got me hooked on that and I don't ever want to quit.

10) Noted

The next time you're out at the store picking up Butt Paste and Gas Relief Drops (for the baby, of course), consider browsing the "Just Because" section of Hallmark cards. Lord knows I don't have the mental  or emotional capacity most days to write out a thought-provoking and romantic card, but the good folks at Hallmark do. I found a nice card that said what I felt, wrote a few extra things in it, signed it with love, and mailed it to Ryan's workplace (the last place he expects such things). 

Overexertion: 0

Heart-touched husband: 1



11) The Path Less Traveled 

This is just a silly little thing, but Ryan noticed it and really appreciated the gesture. I swept a path from the house to the shop, since he has been going back and forth quite a bit when working on home improvements. It's sort of akin to rolling out the red carpet, but cheaper and more practical. Just a small thing. But the idea is that we try to find little things we can do for each other to let the other one know they're still thought of, wanted, admired, respected, and loved. 

Numbers 9 and 3 are the only ones I do every day at this point...the others are more infrequent. There are people out there whose babies sleep through the night, and they're able to go on dates in the evening, and they don't mind hiking in the rain, and they have family nearby that are available to babysit, and blah, blah, blah omg zzzzz. That's not us right now.

But it's okay! We're still in love!  We're doing this together!

Some additional ways that Ryan shows me love are:

• Making sure I have an ample supply of chocolate at all times.
• Sending texts throughout the day to see how I'm doing and say 'I love you'.
• Watching Jed so I can take a shower.
• Helping out with dishes, laundry, and making the bed.
• Asking how my heart is doing, and sharing his heart with me.
• Praying with me several times a day.
• Neck, shoulder, and back rubs. 
• We go on errands together whenever possible, to squeeze out a few extra moments of "us" time.

So yeah, you can do it too. You'll find ways, and you'll surprise yourself, and it will be amazing. Promise.