Eleven Simple Ways to Rekindle the Flame After Baby Arrives

The hardest thing about becoming a first-time parent is that it's so sudden. There's no easing into it; no gradual transition with plenty of time to adjust emotionally, no leisurely breaks, weekends, or holidays. While it's true that I was a parent the whole nine months leading up to birth, the baby was quiet and tucked away safely. No interruptions. None. Like, getting a phone call was the most I had been interrupted up to that point.

The end of that phase is so very sudden, no matter how well-prepared you are. And the reason that no one can quite find the words to fully describe it is because there's nothing else on the planet that you can really compare it to. This experience is completely unique, and each story of a couple becoming a family is completely unique to the individuals involved. No one can go through it for you. This is your adventure.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost,
to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

Thankfully, there's this precious gift from God called 'shock', which acts as a buffer between you and your brand new reality. It slows down your perception of time, speeds up your ability to respond, and quickens all of your senses. You become Wonder Woman overnight. Truly. Hospitals should start issuing capes to new parents before sending them home with their baby.

Don't freak out, here are
 Ten Reasons Why Having a Baby is AWESOME

Also, there's this silly rumor going around that if you choose to raise kids, you can wave goodbye to your happy and fulfilling marriage. At least until the kids leave for college. But I read a while back that your relationship with your spouse won't wait until the kids turn 18. You have to continue to nurture it and help it grow. Today.

Hugging. Kissing. Talking.....today.

Like every pregnant newbie, I knew that our lives were about to change dramatically with the arrival of baby Jed, but I didn't know how, exactly. People had such vague things to say like, "Put your marriage first" (okay, how?), or cynical responses like, "Oh, just you wait! Kids are such a handful!" As much as this advice bugged me, My biggest concern was what would become of my marriage. My hubby and I were two peas in a pod, with a rich reserve of inside jokes, silly traditions, and wonderfully comforting routines. What would become of us? 

If you can relate, I think you'll find this comforting: Just as you two created a whole new world together when you met, you have the ability to create yet another world once your baby joins the party. 

I really wish I would've heard or read some actual [practial] examples of how this works with a baby, because I was freaking out that bad. So for all the people out there like me, who need that extra reassurance that it's all going to be okay, I've created a little list of the ways that me and the hubs have been able to show love to each other on a tight (and sometimes bleary eyed) schedule.

One example: A "date" now consists of going to the gym on a Saturday and leaving Jed with the nice girl at the built-in daycare center. We hop between the pool, the hot tub, sauna, and steam room for an hour or two, and leave relaxed and giggly. Yes! We did it! We did something non-infant together!

We're a little quirky, so our list is too. And of course it's going to morph as Jed grows up (and he's only 8 months old now). What I hope to prove to you is that  romance can exist during the first year after you bring home your bundle of joy. And there are lots of resources online for connecting after baby arrives.

And it's not impossible.

Side note: It's okay to grieve and mourn the loss of how things were before the baby arrived. In fact, It's a good idea. Acknowledge it, mourn it, and start over.

Okay, here we go!

1) The Sticky Note

"Dear Ryan,

When you get inside, please get comfy, cool clothes on and hop in bed for a while. I'll be happy to make you a sammich as soon as I can! :)

So much love,

Shosh"

The reason that this made Ryan feel loved, respected, and appreciated is that when he got home from a long day at work, he was met at the door with a note saying (in essence), hey, I know you're probably tired and stressed out. I notice you, and I'm not expecting you to be emotionally "on" as soon as you walk in the house. Take some time for yourself to unwind, regroup, and know that you are loved. I can't be there for you right away, but I still want to take care of you. In the mean time, just relax and get comfy.

Come to think of it, maybe I should have written that instead  ^o^

It's like one of those "Hey Girl" pictures, but in reverse :)




2) The Mini Road Trip

Babies don't sleep the way adults do. They just don't. (Here's why that's okay and you don't need to read tons of sleep training books). For a few short weeks I had to occasionally take Jed for a drive in the middle of the night just to get him back to sleep. Not a particularly fond memory, but that's life, eh?

Now, we drive him around on purpose. We go on Sunday drives out in the country when we know he's going to be ready for a nap. We also make sure to get ice cream at a drive-thru joint somewhere along the way. Rain or shine, good moods or bad, we've really come to love this time and look forward to it. It's quiet, we can focus on each other, talk through things in greater detail than we're able to during the week, and enjoy a total change of scenery. At home, Jed only naps for half-an-hour at a time. On the road, we've gotten between one to three hours of "us" time. Can't put a price tag on that.

3) Romancing the Stone

Even when all I can muster for dinner is a bowl of cereal, a candle goes a long way to soothe our frayed nerves, quiet the noise of the world outside, and infuse warmth and intimacy into a pair of ragged souls. 

"I'm not really a candle guy, but I feel special that you lit candles for dinner." Ryan told me the first time I tried it (about a week ago). That's all it took, and we've had candles at dinner every since.

4) A Touch of Class

This is something I was doing before Jed joined us, and it's one of few traditions that crossed over easily into parenthood. When I'm able to send lunch to work with Ryan, I try to remember to stick a little plastic sword somewhere in his food (leaving it visible, of course, so he doesn't swallow it). I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds risky. But he's a guy, and he loves it. Surprise! There's a weapon in my yogurt!

Bonus: I hope you never have to bust your man out of the clinker, but this is a skill that could come in handy if you do.



5) Speaking of Food...

Lately I've taken to making large batches of soups and stews and such, then freezing the leftovers. You're probably already doing this. It took me a while (okay, years) to catch on to the brilliance and simplicity of this method. Not only does it mean that I can take it easy (you know, easy for a mom) several nights of the week, it also means there will be plenty for Ryan to take to work the next morning (and more things to stick swords into!). Chili with lean ground turkey, split pea soup with ham...two of my favorites right now. I'm still trying to come up with some others for variety's sake.

6) Pajama Party!

Along the lines of #1, this is nice because it requires only that Ryan work on unwinding after a crazy day. And it doesn't really require anything fancy from me, which is nice. It's surprising how much easier it is to relax when you're in PJ's. My theory is that something clicks in your brain when you switch from "work clothes" to "play clothes". It's a psychological thing and it's wonderful.

Recently, Ryan came home from a stressful day at work and found that Jed and I were both wearing our PJ's. "This is a 'Pajamas Only' zone." I informed him, and told him that he'd find his PJ's layed out on the bed. I thought he would turn the lights on, see the PJ's I had folded into the shape of a heart (above) and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Instead, he didn't turn the lights on, but grabbed them and got changed in the dark. Oh well. It's a good idea in theory :)

7) Space Out with Your Face Out!

Occasionally I've got the energy to pay Ryan a lunchtime visit, so we get lunch together somewhere or have a picnic in a park (when it's nice out). On those days, Ryan usually reads a chapter or two out of a book we're reading together (which is awesome even when Jed is fussy and I have to walk around bouncing him while Ryan reads loudly to be heard over Jed's fussing).

On rainy days, we still go to the park; we just sit in the van to eat lunch, then maybe walk around a bit. Next time I see him, I'll present him with the gift of sudoku - a game he plays to relax and unwind. It's something he can keep at the office and do whenever he wants - a mini stress buster for the un-amazing days. And he won't be expecting it, which is even better :)



8) Again, Food

This is so easy, I can't even find the words. Pancake mix. Frozen berries. Bake it. Breakfast cake for a week.

I sort of "discovered" this on my own recently, so I don't have a recipe. And it comes out a little different each time since I don't measure anything. I add water, milk, and eggs to Krusteaz Pancake Mix, pour it into a buttered 9x13" glass dish, pour frozen berries over the top, and bake it at about 350 for oh, I don't know. Maybe 30 minutes? Maybe more? I check on it every 10-15 minutes just to see how it's doing, then take it out when it's golden brown around the edges and an inserted wooden toothpick comes out clean.

So even though I don't have breakfast with Ryan in the morning anymore (he watches Jed before work so I can get another slice of sleep), he has a homemade cakey, berry-jammed reminder of my love for him.

9) Speaking of Breakfast...

I love it when the coffee is prepped and ready to go, and all I have to do is press the button. So I gave this gift to Ryan for the mornings when he's up with Jed. It's a nice treat to wake up to, and while I'm not there in person to sip a mug with him during the week, the message of love filters through just fine. Also, we've switched to Truvia instead of sugar, and it's so great. I still use heavy whipping cream instead of half-n-half though. My friend Kendra got me hooked on that and I don't ever want to quit.

10) Noted

The next time you're out at the store picking up Butt Paste and Gas Relief Drops (for the baby, of course), consider browsing the "Just Because" section of Hallmark cards. Lord knows I don't have the mental  or emotional capacity most days to write out a thought-provoking and romantic card, but the good folks at Hallmark do. I found a nice card that said what I felt, wrote a few extra things in it, signed it with love, and mailed it to Ryan's workplace (the last place he expects such things). 

Overexertion: 0

Heart-touched husband: 1



11) The Path Less Traveled 

This is just a silly little thing, but Ryan noticed it and really appreciated the gesture. I swept a path from the house to the shop, since he has been going back and forth quite a bit when working on home improvements. It's sort of akin to rolling out the red carpet, but cheaper and more practical. Just a small thing. But the idea is that we try to find little things we can do for each other to let the other one know they're still thought of, wanted, admired, respected, and loved. 

Numbers 9 and 3 are the only ones I do every day at this point...the others are more infrequent. There are people out there whose babies sleep through the night, and they're able to go on dates in the evening, and they don't mind hiking in the rain, and they have family nearby that are available to babysit, and blah, blah, blah omg zzzzz. That's not us right now.

But it's okay! We're still in love!  We're doing this together!

Some additional ways that Ryan shows me love are:

• Making sure I have an ample supply of chocolate at all times.
• Sending texts throughout the day to see how I'm doing and say 'I love you'.
• Watching Jed so I can take a shower.
• Helping out with dishes, laundry, and making the bed.
• Asking how my heart is doing, and sharing his heart with me.
• Praying with me several times a day.
• Neck, shoulder, and back rubs. 
• We go on errands together whenever possible, to squeeze out a few extra moments of "us" time.

So yeah, you can do it too. You'll find ways, and you'll surprise yourself, and it will be amazing. Promise.

Purplandia: The Dramatic Sequel

Perhaps one of the best-kept secrets around Portland is that, in a great and momentous effort to be different from the rest of the country (nay, universe), we have accidentally squeezed ourselves into a new sort of mold. A weirdness mold, if you will. You hear the name Portland and you immediately associate it with weirdness. You have been conditioned to believe that Portlanders are all special feathers (I was actually called this once, at Last Thursday) and sparkly, unique snowflakes. Well, that part is true. We have a reputation to uphold, and so we sometimes get a little carried away in trying to "out-weird each other" (a term my husband came up with). The silly thing is, as humans we all tend to behave like sheep sometimes. Even Portlanders. Strange, tattooed, tall bike riding, kombucha drinking, home brewing, hipster sheep. So, in celebration of our sameness, here are thirty-two *additional purple houses that prove this point: Though we are all different, yet we are the same.

*My previous purple house post can be viewed here.

No matter how much overgrown foliage you have out front, I am still going to find your purple house.

Missed a spot, you guys.

Upon arriving in Portland, new residents are given a chicken, a Subaru or Prius, a "Coexist" bumper sticker, a weeping Japanese maple, and a bucket of purple paint.

I'm still waiting for mine...I guess they're on back order?

Confession: I really do want a Subaru and a chicken.

...and a weeping Japanese maple. Sorry, Lara (I hope we can still be friends!).

Technically not a purple house, but I'm willing to make an exception.

I can spot 'em anywhere now. My husband says I have really good "purple eye".

Can you find the whale in this photo?

Brand new construction of a purple house. Delightful! What whimsy!

Ah yes, the Tibetan prayer flag. A Portland staple on many porch overhangs.

The door was purple too. Then they scraped it off, I guess?

What I don't get is the red trim on a few of these houses. At least these folks had the decency to paint their bench a complimentary color.

Six of these houses have red trim (seven, if you count #7), and I think I spotted six weeping Japanese maples.

In conclusion, the next time you see someone you think is weird, you can take great comfort in knowing there are probably at least 32 other people exactly like him/her.

Having a Baby? Ten Reasons Why That's AWESOME.

Don't Buy Into the Negativity

When I was pregnant with our now 7.5 month old baby boy, I was pretty shocked by the seemingly negative spin that a lot of people put on parenthood. The months leading up to having your first baby are stressful enough without calloused sentiments like, "Your life is over," and, "You'll never sleep in again," and, "Date night? What's that? LOLZ". 

Also: The idea of overpopulation. So trendy right now. First off, overpopulation is a myth. Go on and have yourself a baby. Or three or four. You know what? Surprise me.

The real party poopers, however, are the anxiety-inducing internet shock jocks who blog about the "reality of having kids".  Scary Mommy is a top offender, in my book, and here's why: Although they are good at bringing a humorous twist to some of the most mentally, physically, and emotionally challenging passages of parenthood, they are only telling a fraction of the story. And it's not even the most important part. And it's not the part that will stick out in your memory when you think back on those days and nights, and nights and days blurred together. I think their intention is to remove the rose-colored glasses of foggy women who think that celebrity mags present an accurate portrayal of mommyhood. And they want to make money off of our fears and insecurities.

I remember being scared out of my pants by those "reality" blogs, yet feeling that if I truly wanted to be prepared, I must keep reading. After all, who wants to start down this road with a false sense of security that everything's gonna be OK? No one, that's who. No one wants to feel that they are unprepared to be a new mom or dad. I would have been better off just sticking to What to Expect the First Year.

And then there's life. Life often presents us with challenges we find uncomfortable, and almost never convenient. There may be money, health, and family issues that cloud the joy of parenthood. There is loss and grief, which can turn your world upside down at a time when you're "supposed to" be the happiest you've ever been. I can relate to this one personally because I lost my youngest brother when I was five months pregnant. To suicide. He was 21, and I loved/love him dearly. In three days it will be one year. I can't even...there are no words. That's a whole different blog post. But what I mean to say is that I get it; I know it's scary to go careening headlong towards parenting in the midst of this broken and convulsing world.

But you know what? You'll be fine. You really will. You may need to call in favors so you can get a nap, spend some time in a lactation consultant's office (recommended anyway), read books and do Google searches, but you will do it. You'll surprise yourself with how great you do...I promise! People have been doing this for thousands of years, without books or internet or phones. You've got this. And here are some of the awesome, and I truly mean AWESOME things that you have to look forward to:

1) Purity and Innocence. I don't know a better place to find it than a baby. It's not on TV, movies, radio, internet, me, or you. And frankly, I miss it. But you can have it - the real thing - in your very own hands! It's yours, for a while, a beautiful gift that can't be earned; a gift that you can nurture and protect. 

2) Life becomes so much more full:
Beauty-full, hope-full, purpose-full, and delight-full. Babies invite you to see through their eyes; eyes that are eager to learn, explore, grow, engage, love, respond, and join. This little person is head-over-heels for you from minute one.

3) Hidden Strength.
You will be amazed - speechless even - at what you are capable of. Introverted? Same here. Love sleep, quiet time, and lots of quality time with your spouse? Me too. Thus the anxiety over having a baby in the house 24/7. But it's not what you think. You stretch and make room. You learn to compromise and you get creative. Your body and mind adjust to meet the demands of the day (and night). You are resourceful, courageous, and selfless like you don't even know. You find ways to grow together that no one could have taught you, because you come equipped with hidden strength and ingenuity. This is an area where we're still learning, but we're learning together. Get help when you need it, gather as much support, resources, and community as you can, and know that you've got this. 

4) Your Parents, Remixed.
For better (and sometimes for worse), you're going to learn a lot about your own parents by becoming a parent yourself. It's pretty wild. This has the potential for breaking some ice, bridging some gaps, and strengthening some relationships. I'll leave it at that (Hi Mom! :) 

5) The Other Guy.
You will get to know your spouse a lot better, more deeply, and hopefully that will be a good thing. It has been for me. I have absolutely loved being there to see my husband become a father, one who is excited for our son to be with us, and who is committed to creating a home environment that fosters love, respect, security, cuddles, giggles, and a healthy marriage. And just like the miracle of "the two becoming one" through marriage, the new life you've created further seals that unity. But it's a quiet miracle that many don't notice until they look back on it...so watch for it carefully, and it will be there.

6) I Thought I Knew Myself, And Then...
I never really saw myself getting excited about being a mom, but since this little guy came along...whoa, Nelly. I seriously love being a mom. Let me back up: I seriously love being his mom. He's the reason for my warm fuzzies, and that's how your baby will be for you. I often tell him that he's the perfect baby for us. He was tailor-made and hand stitched to custom specs. Your baby is the perfect baby for you, too! So that's just one of many ways I have stretched and grown and learned so much about myself. I really sold myself short, thinking I wouldn't enjoy being a mom. I was so wrong. (And he's not an "easy" baby, either.)

7) Oh, hi there, God!
This is surprisingly similar to # 4. I can't believe how many "Aha!" moments I've had since we had our baby. If you're a person of faith, you're going to see your relationship to/with God in a whole new light. Paradigms will shift, questions will be answered, lessons will be learned, and eyes will be opened. The light bulb above your head will flash on so many times that it may get a little annoying. Your baby is the best teacher for some of life's most difficult questions. Example: Baby wants to play with my mug of hot coffee, but I don't let him. He cries. I know it could hurt him, but I don't have a way of explaining that to him because he can't reason on my level. He just has to trust that I know what's best for him, even though outwardly it appears that I am silent on the matter.
See what happened there? I just saw myself and my relationship with God. I want something, He denies it or takes it away, or waits a long time to give it to me. I get upset because I don't understand, and because God doesn't explain it to me. He is "silent". In reality, I can't reason with God on his level, so I need to trust that he knows what's best for me. Ouch! But it's a good ouch. 

8) The In-Crowd.
When you're out at the store, walking in your neighborhood, travelling, at a restaurant, or anywhere that other people go to, you're going to have an instant friendship with the other parents you meet. There's an understanding and familiarity that go along with becoming a parent. You know, and they know. You've both been there. There is a mutual respect and solidarity that naturally springs up, because you have something amazing in common: you're parents! You have been through the initiation and are now a member of a distinguished frat/sorority. It conceals secrets that no outsiders have been able to decode. Not even the Illuminati (unless some of them had kids...in which case, you've got something in common with the Illuminati).

9) Making Someone's Day.
There are a lot of people (especially old people) whose hearts are genuinely warmed at the sight of a baby. Any baby. Soon, your baby. Babies are great at drawing attention! You will be amazed at the friendly faces, happy chatter, and fun stories you will hear when you go out. I never had conversations with random strangers until we had a baby. Now I come to expect it, and often feel disappointed if an outing goes by without meeting a new friend. 

10) Heart Surgery.
Got a few rough edges? Me too. I can be impatient, critical, obsessive, anxious, unfocused, lazy, selfish, prideful...ummm, etc. And for sure, there are people who choose to hang onto those traits, but if you are willing to work on dropping a few bad habits, babies can help with that. They're just being themselves...their needy, dependent, helpless selves. And that's okay. You can be their patience, their self-control, and comfort. You can be their emotional balance, their perspective, and their self-discipline. You can be their empathy, their resilience, and their confidence. You can be their stability, their faith, and their translator (and their arbitrator, in some cases). You can be all of these things and more, until they have made these skills a part of themselves. And that's just awesome.

And if I'm able to write such positive things when our baby is only 7.5 months old, how much more do I have to look forward to when he's seven years old? Or seventeen? A lot, that's how much :)

These are just some of the truly awesome and wonderful things about having a baby. Do you have any to add to the list? Post them in the comments below!

If you found this encouraging, please share it with a friend who's having a baby!

Purple Houses of Portlandia

(This is a very different kind of post from what I usually write about!)

In the various towns in the Midwest where I spent my first twenty-five years, I can't recall ever seeing a purple house. Like unicorns and no-drama cats, they may exist, but I doubt it. The prevailing home exterior colors are white, cream, brick, and bluh. It's not that people there don't like different colors, it's just that it doesn't occur to them to paint their house one. For the record, the house I live in now is a mixture of brick and beige. Yup, beige. And until I moved to Portland, I sort of just assumed that when a person buys a house, it is their civil duty to maintain its beigeness (sp?) in a neat and orderly fashion, just like everyone else on the block. I just thought that's the color houses are supposed to be.

So imagine my surprise when I start seeing houses of all colors popping up around Portland. Well, I was the one popping up. The houses had been there for a long time. Anyway, I think it's great. 

I'm just not entirely sure about purple as a house color, though. But hey, that's just me. I have photo evidence that at least 15 people disagree with me.

A while back I got the bright idea to chronicle the purple homes of Portland, but with a dash of condescending scoff-ery. Today, as I was driving the baby around so he could sleep (yes, one of those days), I snapped my first photo of a person's purple house. It felt weird and sort of wrong, so I kept doing it. Fifteen purple houses later, I had to stop. Baby was awake, and I had a doctor appointment to catch.

But you know what? You know that part where the Grinch's heart grows three sizes bigger in a matter of seconds, and he finally realizes the value of presents and decorations (or something like that)? Well, that happened to me. I had set out to document how absurd the color purple is on a house, and instead I came to care for these homes. Yes...care for them. As though my zany grandma lived there, with her too many drama cats. I think that when we focus our time, energy, etc. on someone or something, we subconsciously attribute value to it. I can't help it. I have to care. So maybe if I had just driven on the highway instead, I'd still be annoyed by purple houses. As it is, I find them kind of endearing now. 

Granted, some of them do look a little ridiculous (OK a lot), but if I had to choose between selling lemonade on the lawn of a purple house or a brick house, there's a slightly higher chance I'd choose the purple house. Mostly because purple and yellow (lemon) are complimentary colors.

So, without further ado, here are a smattering of the purple homes of Portland - just the tip of the iceberg - what I stumbled upon in just one section of Portland neighborhoods in about 45 minutes of driving around. Hey, I may start taking Midwesterners on guided tours!

Also, I smooshed out house numbers and license plate info because that's the neighborly thing to do. 

Don't let the lighting fool you. 12 and 13 are definitely purp-etrators. 

I made an exception for #15. It has lots of purple trim, but the house itself is plain brick. I enhanced the saturation a bit because I wasn't able to capture the real-life color with my phone camera. That's why the sidewalk looks purple too!

Which purple palace is your favorite? 
Do you have any quirky pet peeves (especially if they won you over in the end)? 
Let me know in the comments below!