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| Toddler Milestone #23: breaking a glass bottle in the grocery store. #iknewthisdaywascoming #myfault |
Today, this happened: Broken glass at the grocery store. I flushed pink with embarrassment but kept my cool. Later, as I got my 13-month-old out to the van I relaxed my composure a bit. When he started digging for my phone, I got upset. I whisked it out of his hands and tossed it onto the seat with a very stern "NO." This isn't a new battle, but there are moments when I'm tired of reminding him that my phone isn't a teething toy.
He looked at me intently, studying my face. I got him buckled into his car seat and we went home, and then it hit me. I was struck by a beautiful revelation, and for me it became the most unexpected reward of parenting so far:
He doesn't cringe when we're angry.
I love, love, love his hugs and kisses and smiles, and the way he curls into me when he's settling down for a nap. I love that he reaches for me, calls me "Mama", and pulls me along by my finger. But the most rewarding thing so far has been the separation he feels between himself and our anger. Our foreheads get squished up, we huff out angry air, we speak in heavy tones and tell him, "No, don't hit me." or "No, don't play in the trash can. Play with this instead." and "Don't scratch me."
Sometimes he cries with frustration because we set him down (if he won't stop hitting) but he never seems afraid of us. I keep expecting him to cringe, wince, flinch, blink, and try to squirm or run away. Instead, he looks into our frustrated faces without fear. His body is relaxed, his face is calm, and he doesn't associate our emotions with physical harm to himself. This may be something that you take for granted, but it's a total surprise to me.
I received my first spanking when I was three months old, because I was crying as my diaper was being changed. My dad thought that was a pretty silly thing for an infant to do, and I imagine that he was upset that I wouldn't stop crying "for no reason". I quickly learned that when Dad was angry with me, it meant physical harm to myself. My husband and I were both raised with "anger spankings", and both of us were afraid that we would perpetuate this unhealthy discipline style onto our own kids in the future. Our little guy is now beginning his toddler years (Months? Years?) and has never been hit. We both realize that there are probably healthy and constructive ways to parent with spankings (depending on the temperament of the child and the situation at hand), but it's not an approach we want to take if at all possible.
Our toddler is sometimes headstrong, willful, defiant, and stubborn, but hey that's kids for you, right? And there's a plus side to toddlers' tendency to repeat an action a thousand million times: If they quit so easily, then would they ever learn to talk? Their willful persistence helps them grow in so many areas of their lives, because if they fall, they'll get back up. If they fail, they'll try again. If they get hurt, they'll bounce back. They aren't crushed by failure. So yes, of course there will be times when that gift ruffles our feathers, but we're not going to try and beat it out of him. We're learning persistence, patience, and "stubbornness" too - the good kind.
Perhaps he's too young to be afraid of us, but perhaps not. He understands cause and effect. He moves his fingers out of the way when shutting doors and drawers. He stays away from the edge of the bed because he has fallen off, and it hurt. He knows that when these things happen, he feels pain.
The gift of his confidence in us is a beautiful thing. The fact that he can ponder our anger and learn to deal with his own (without threat of reprisal) is no small miracle to me. I fully expected him to shrink back or cower today when I got angry, but he didn't. And I'm so glad he didn't. I don't want him to cower before anyone's anger, or to be manipulated by the emotions of others. I don't want him to be controlled by anger (ours, his, or anyone's).
I guess the reason I'm going through the effort to blog about this (during precious, precious toddler nap time) is because I'm so excited about it. I'm excited that I'm not repeating the mistakes of the past - I'm not bound to recycle bad habits. I can raise an emotionally healthy and strong boy and I don't have be out of control when I'm frustrated or angry. Most importantly, I'm not bound to take it out on him. I thank God for that, because I didn't think it was possible.
